Food for Thought
by 10000PoisonedKisses
Summary: Remus is a teacher at Hogwarts, fighting with an eating disorder. It has been a part of him for a long time. Rated for language, SLASH, drug use and eating disorders. Hard R RLSS, COMPLETE
1. part 1

Food for Thought

By Khavi

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, so please don't sue.

Warnings: This is a slash fic that includes SS and RL. The content may disturb some, so if that person happens to be you, you are warned. Information about eating disorders comes from my own experiences and research I've done.

The eating disorder was something Remus had struggled with most of his young life, and his entire adult one. It did not spring from his jealousy of James and Sirius' lithe forms during their school years, although he did envy them. It had started sometime before they met.

No, this went far back. It started with his cousin Marissa. Marisa was had been his best friend and only playmate as a child. She was 5 years older than him and had a gentle way. She always had the time and patience to play Pirates and Aurors with him. But one day after their families had eaten dinner together; Marissa excused herself from the dinner table and wandered away.

Remus had been hurt. He wanted her to laugh and play with him like she always did. He followed her to where she'd locked herself away in the bathroom. Through the door, he could hear sounds of coughing and retching. Timidly, he knocked on the thick wood.

"Lissy? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Remy."

"Are you sick?" he asked, pressing his ear against the door.

The sound of the lock clicking alerted him that she was coming out, so he backed up. The door swung open and Remus looked up at his pretty cousin. Her fair hair hung limply around her face and red eyes. He was worried. Marissa looked ill and a little weak on her feet.

"You okay?" he asked, touching her arm. The skin under his fingers was clammy and had a greenish hue.

"I'm fine," she whispered back, brushing her hair out of her face. She didn't look fine at all to Remus. In fact, she looked awful.

"Lissy…"

"Look Remy, I've sort of got some things I need to do…" she started, eyes averting to the floor. She looked up in surprise when her younger cousin cried out and attached himself to her arm.

"Lissy!"

She looked torn. It was apparent that she wanted to get back to whatever she was doing in the bathroom, but she also didn't want to leave Remus there alone.

"Look, Remy. I have sort of a secret. I'll tell you if you _promise_ not to tell anyone else, okay?"

Remus nodded eagerly and Marissa opened the door more, allowing him to come in. She closed it quietly and Remus watched as she sat on the floor. She positioned herself in front of the toilet and pulled her hair back, away from her face. She smiled at him, confirming his suspicions that this was a really big secret. Remus must have been a good boy for her to have even thought of telling him.

She leaned forward and put one of her long fingers in her mouth. Remus watched with fascinated horror as she coughed and empted the contents of her stomach in the porcelain bowl. After a few minutes, she wiped off her mouth with a towel and rose shakily to her feet.

"What did you do that for?" he asked, still watching her.

"My boyfriend told me he wanted me to loose some weight. But Mum and Da made me eat tonight." She sighed and looked at him. To Remus, she looked thin enough as it was. She was 14 with a slender frame and thinning hair. Although she was a little on the short side for her age and her thighs were of a good size, Remus didn't see any reason for her to loose anything.

"Does it work?" he asked as she flushed away the remains of her meal.

"Yeah, it does. But you can't tell anyone, okay Remy?"

He nodded, desperately wanting to please her. "How does it work?"

"It's easy. Here, like this," she showed him just how to position his finger at the base of his throat. She tied his hair back with her hair band and he kneeled on the floor, wanting to impress her. At first, he didn't understand. He coughed and sputtered, only a little coming up. But she made it look so easy!

"No, look. You have to keep your finger in your mouth no matter what," she corrected.

He tried again, with a little more results than last time. She rubbed his shoulder and smiled. "It's alright. It's hard at first."

"How long have you been doing this?" he wondered, gazing at her.

"About three months," she explained. She told him about how she started, and about how she knew people who could even vomit quickly and quietly into coke bottles. Impressed, Remus decided to try again.

He was only 9 years old at the time. His condition grew worse with the passing of time. It was especially difficult to stop the urge during a full moon. He started vomiting up everything he ate the morning after he accidentally killed his mother's cat. The poor thing's remains were torn apart and Remus kept vomiting until all that was left was stomach acid. He flushed the blood and flesh away, feeling ashamed.

Of course it was embarrassing when he finally made it to Hogwarts. He was repulsed by what he saw when he compared himself to the other boys. His stomach was fuller than theirs and his arms were pudgier. At least, in his eyes they were. So he started purging more and more. He began to loose weight so he didn't give it a second thought when he started seeing red from burst blood vessels in his eyes and blood in his vomit. After all, what was more important? His appearance or his health? Remus choose his appearance.

Eventually, he made his way through his school years and into adulthood. He'd never been admitted to a hospital for his problem, so he didn't worry. When he'd finally landed the Defense Against the Dark Arts job, he couldn't believe it. It was what he'd always wanted.

The only problem seemed to be that the professors were expected to stay at meals for a designated amount of time and there were usually staff meetings afterwards. It was becoming harder and harder for the wolf to hide his peculiar eating habits from the other staff. He knew if he waited too long, the calories would be absorbed anyway.

When he found himself hunched over his toilet in his room, desperately trying to empty his stomach one night with no results, he felt lie a failure. Why had those damn meetings taken so long? Now how was he supposed to maintain his weight? He knew that vomiting three times a day had messed up his metabolism and it would be hard to loose all that he'd just eaten.

Feeling angry and disappointed with himself, Remus began to shed his robes. He looked at himself with disgust and climbed into his bed. Feeling empty and upset, Remus pulled the cover around himself tightly. Sighing, he closed his eyes and thought about the Owl his Aunt had sent him that day.

Marissa was in St. Mungo's. There was a hole in her esophagus and she would need an operation and some powerful healing drought to mend it. Not only that, but she'd dropped from a healthy 130 lbs to a staggeringly thin 92lbs. As awful as it sounded, even to Remus, all he could feel was envy towards her. How had she been able to loose all that weight when he'd only lost about 20lbs? He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't stop these feelings, even as he drifted to sleep.


	2. part 2

Food for Thought

Chapter 2

Remus stared at the plate in front of him the next morning. It was filled with all of his favorite food, the smell wafting off them into his nostrils. The bacon oozed with grease, the toast dripped with butter and his eggs gleamed up at him making his taste buds water.

Unhappily, he turned away from the food and took another sip of his coffee. It was straight, so he knew there were no calories in it. He drank as much of the bitter liquid as he could fit in his stomach hoping it would tide him over. He glanced down the staff table to see Severus looking at him curiously. Quickly, the scarred man turned away.

In spite of Severus' look and his own hunger, Remus pushed his plate away and picked up a Daily Profit. His eyes drifted over the words without taking in any of the information. He jumped slightly when Poppy touched his arm.

"Are you alright Remus? You haven't eaten a bite."

"Oh, yes Poppy. I'm just not feeling well this morning," he murmured, trying to smile. She was looking at him with concern that soon vanished when he took her hand in his and squeezed it softly. She smiled at him and squeezed back.

"It must be because of the moon. It's only about 5 days off, isn't it?" she asked, studying him.

"Oh, yes," he confirmed. She rubbed the back of his hand with her warm fingers and nodded. Eventually, she turned away and started talking with Minerva.

Remus sighed and ran his fingers over the hem of his shabby robes. He wished he could afford something better, but what could he expect? He was a werewolf and every job he'd managed to land before this one was quickly pulled out from under him when his employers learned of his lycan side.

Remus picked up his mug again and took another sip of his coffee. The warm liquid burned his raw throat as he drank. His amber eyes watered and he coughed, turning his face away from the table. Poppy rubbed his back soothingly.

"You poor dear. You should probably get some rest," she suggested, still rubbing.

He nodded, not wanting her to know that although she was rightfully concerned, the moon cycles had not yet started to take their toll on him. He rubbed his throat and groaned. His esophagus ached and felt like it was wearing thin due to all the stomach acid.

"Excuse me…I think I'd better return to my quarters," he murmured, voice scratchy.

Poppy nodded, her curly hair bouncing as she did. "I'll send you something later to help with the pain," she promised him.

He rose shakily to his feet, hands trembling. Carefully, using the wall to help him keep balance, Remus returned to his chamber. He pushed the door open and collapsed into his overstuffed chair. His room was warm and decorated humbly. Only a few sparse photographs and one painting along with the bed and chair were present. He'd decided against a mirror long ago, because of all the pain it caused him.

He was able to close his eyes for a few minutes of peace before he was roused. Someone was rapping on his door impatiently. Not having the strength to stand, Remus called out, "It's open" before sinking back into his chair.

Severus Snape strolled in, a golden goblet in hand. He surveyed the room like he always did and strode over to where Remus was seated. Feeling a little embarrassed the blond rose to his feet.

"Hullo Severus, what are you doing here?"

"I came to bring you this," the other man drawled, holding out the goblet. By the smell of it, Remus knew it was the wolfsbane potion. He carefully reached for it and held the smoldering substance in his hands.

"Thank you, Severus. I was not expecting it so soon."

"Yes well, I was not aware that you were affected by the moon so early prior to its fullness," the other man replied, watching Remus with his cool dark stare.

"Oh, you were listening?"

"Yes. I was listening," Severus confirmed. It was not in his nature to be discrete when eavesdropping and so he was open about it. Remus smiled at him and motioned for him to come in and have a seat. The thin man did so without hesitation. He swept his cloak up behind him and sat in the chair like it was his own. Remus closed the door and walked over to him.

He held the potion under his nose and sniffed it. A disgusted grimace passed over his face and he smiled. "Can I offer you anything to drink? I mean, since I'm all set and everything…"

"Yes. That would be appreciated."

"Do you prefer scotch? Wine? I have a lovely Chablis if you're interested," he offered, placing his own goblet on a table.

"So early in the morning? Honestly Remus, if I didn't know you better, I'd say you were up to no good," Severus sneered, stretching out his long legs. "No, thank you. I'll just have some Brandy," He smiled as he said this, and Remus knew his earlier remark had been good natured.

Remus reached into his cupboard and pulled out the bottle and two glass goblets. He swirled a clean white clothe over them before heading back over with them in hand. Slowly, he set them down in front of the other teacher and poured two healthy amounts into each glass.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigarette gingerly. He lit it and took a long drag, He was aware of Severus' eyes on him as the other man took a drink. Remus reached for his potion and gagged a little as he swallowed it. It was as disgusting as always, but he was grateful to have it.

"I didn't know you smoked," Severus remarked, taking another sip.

"Oh, yes. I picked it up when I was working for a bloke in London," Remus lied. He didn't want Severus to know that the real reason he started was because tobacco sped up your metabolism.

The dark haired man nodded and set his cup down. Slowly, he leaned forward in his chair and touched Remus' face. The blond leaned into the touch and closed his eyes. Severus stroked his face carefully and examined him.

"You really don't look well, Remus."

"It's nothing."

Severus didn't look convinced, but he nodded. Glancing at the sun dial, he stood up. "I have to be getting to my class."

"Of course," Remus agreed. He stood too and stood awkwardly as Severus moved closer to him. The kiss was brief, but good. He had always loved the way Severus kissed him, and right now he felt like he needed it more than anything.

"I'll see you tonight, yes?"

"Of course."

"Alright then. I should be on my way," Severus murmured, picking up the now empty goblet. He walked briskly across the room and opened the door. Remus stood, still watching him. Severus looked back at him and gave him one of those rare smiles and left.

After he was gone, Remus returned to his seat and slumped into it. He knew he should be getting to his own class, but it was difficult to convince himself it was a good idea to get up. After all, his first period were Slytherin 4rth years who's much rather be elsewhere. Agitated, he picked up his papers and brushed his hair out of his face. Remus knew that he had to go. There were no other options and even though it wasn't worth it, he had to teach them.

Feeling upset, he walked to his door and made his way out. At least he'd be seeing Severus later, even if it was a long way off. It gave him something to look forward to, if nothing else.


	3. part 3

Food for Thought

Part 3

The lovemaking was, as always, wonderful. Severus moved over him and thrust into him so hard that Remus had to groan. He ran his fingers over Severus' back, tracing little patterned over it. He wanted Severus to be with him so badly that he didn't even mind never being top. He actually enjoyed being dominated by his slender lover when night came around.

Even though he'd never admit it, he was jealous even of Severus. He'd always been thin without even trying. His pelvic bones jutted out delicately and rubbed against Remus' legs as he pushed himself into the other man. Remus loved how the dark haired man's ribs were equally as defined. When he ran his fingers over his back, it was to feel the spine that protruded through his pale skin.

He entangled his hands in the small mans lovely black locks and pulled his head down so that his lips were touching Remus' neck. Severus bit down hard, causing Remus to gasp. He knew it would leave a mark tomorrow, but he didn't care. He just wanted Severus' mouth against his collarbone. He hoped that Severus would feel it and think it was attractive.

When Severus finally came, it was too soon for Remus' liking. He wanted to continue to hold his lover and feel his body against his own. But that was not how Severus worked. Once the deed was done, it was up and into his clothes. Remus watched as Severus got off of him and reached for his robes. After putting his own back on, he tossed Remus' at him.

The blonde caught them and held them against his chest. He lowered his gave, feeling ashamed of how he looked. He'd always assumed Severus wanted him to dress right away was because he couldn't stand the sight of him. Slowly, he pulled his things back on. He watched Severus stretch and open one of his cupboards. The tall man pulled out a bottle of wine and two glasses.

He poured a little into each offered one to Remus. The blonde accepted it, being careful not to drink too much. Liquor had far too many calories for his taste, but Severus seemed to be enjoying himself well enough. It bothered Remus that they never seemed to speak much after they made love, and he wondered if it was because Severus didn't love him. Even if he didn't, Remus hoped that he loved Severus enough for both of them.

The long haired man took a long drink and looked over at Remus who'd barely touched his.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine…" Remus whispered, taking another little sip. That seemed to satisfy Severus who went back to concentrating on his own drink. The smooth taste of what he was drinking could not distract Remus from the burning feeling it gave him. Alcohol on an empty stomach was no good and he knew this. He drank it anyway.

Once Severus was done with his drink, he rose to his feet. He put the glass on the table and walked back to where Remus was sitting on the bed. For a moment, Remus thought he was going to make love to him again. His high hopes died when Severus pushed his hair out of his face and kissed his forehead.

"I should be going," he murmured.

Remus nodded, not wanting to make a scene tonight. After all, everything had been so perfect, what was the point in ruining it? Severus withdrew his hand and started walking away. He turned slightly to look at Remus.

He narrowed his eyes and spoke again. "You're looking rather peckish. Are you getting enough sleep?"

"Oh, yes. Of course I am, Severus."

"Hmm…Well, you don't look well. I might have to stop my visits until your health improves…"

"No! I'm fine, I swear," the wolf said, trying to smile at his lover.

Severus didn't look convinced, but he nodded anyway. "Anyway, I'll bring you your potion tomorrow morning again. And do try to eat something, it's not good unless it can be digested with food. Besides, you're looking a little thin," Severus said, straightening his robes.

Remus felt his heart fill. He was looking thin? Had Severus really just said that? Feeling rather pleased with himself, he vowed not to eat at all again tomorrow. At least that way his throat wouldn't hurt so badly.

"Alright, Severus. I will."

"Good. Well, I'll see you at breakfast then," the long haired potions master said as he opened the door.

"Goodnight, Severus. I love you," Remus murmured as Severus stepped out. The other man paused for a moment and turned back to him.

"Goodnight, Lupin."

With that, the door closed, leaving Remus completely alone. The blonde sighed and wiggled out of his bed. He wished Severus would at least pretend to love him, even if he didn't mean it. Maybe if he was just a little thinner….

He took out his wand and held it at staff length in his hands. He muttered a little charm and waited. The wand trembled in his hands and told him he was 5'11", 140lbs and a BMI of 19.5. He sighed, unhappily. He was still overweight. If he was at least 130 pounds he might be more attractive to Severus. He'd just have to try harder then. Feeling determined, he put his wand down and shed his robes again. He never did understand why Severus handed him back his robes. It wasn't like he would be going anywhere and he preferred to sleep without all the extra clothing. Usually, he just slept in a tee-shirt and boxers. Again, he thought it was because he was ugly.

Unhappily, he crawled back into bed and pulled his blankets close. He blew out his candle and closed his eyes, stomach growling at him.


	4. part 4

Food for Thought

Part 4

The following morning, Remus found himself stumbling down to the Great Hall, feeling like he hadn't slept in weeks. He knew that it was probably because he's tossed and turned all through the night and really hadn't slept well. He had a thousand things on his mind, and none of them followed suit with what the others had to do with. Most of them were about Severus and why he'd acted so cold the night before, but what could he do? There really was no point in crying over spilled salt.

Breakfast passed quickly for Remus, who was lost in his own world. He hadn't eaten anything, but he drank generous amounts of water. He knew that Severus was watching him, wondering why he hadn't eaten, especially after he told him specifically to have something in his stomach the night before. Remus closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He was very tired but he knew that he couldn't doze off here.

He was startled to attention when Dumbledore tapped his shoulder. Glancing up, he met the pale blue eyes.

"I'm sorry, what?" he asked, sitting up in his seat. He hadn't realized that he'd been slouching and was rather embarrassed about it.

"Remus, you look off color. I think perhaps you should get some rest," Albus said softly, looking down the staff table.

"Oh, it's nothing, Albus. I just didn't sleep well…"

"Dear me, but I must insist. Breakfast ended ten minutes ago and I've already asked Mickel to take over your classes…"

Remus blinked. Kettleburn was going to sub for him? But…he hadn't even been aleep that long, had he?

"Albus, I assure you that is unnecessary. I am perfectly able to fulfill my teaching duties…"

"Perhaps this afternoon, but as it is now, I would prefer it if you got some rest."

And that was that. Albus was a stubborn man, and could not be persuaded to move once he was set in his ways. Remus thought better of arguing with him and slowly rose to his feet.

"Thank you, Albus. Perhaps I do need a bit of a rest," he murmured. Albus smiled at him and led him out of the Great Hall. He continued to walk with him until they reached Remus' quarters. Albus nodded at him as Remus opened his door.

He was surprised to see Severus seated at his desk, going over a few papers. The dark haired man glanced up at him and motioned him over. Cautiously, Remus made his way to the other man. He was hunched over a pile of papers that Remus had forgotten to put away the night before.

"I was just going over your class notes," Severus explained. He held up a bit of crumpled parchment to show it to the blond. "This shows that you were planning to teach the day of the full moon."

"Oh, yes. I figured it wasn't a big deal, you know. It's for my morning classes, anyway. I should be fine until the evening and then-"

Severus cut him off by rising to his feet and walking over to him. "Lupin, you are fully aware as well as I am that you cannot be in any condition to teach that day."

"Severus, please," Remus sighed. "I want to. As long as I take my potion then I'll be fit as a fiddle."

"That's been concerning me as well. You didn't eat this morning."

"Oh, it must have slipped my mind. I was dreadfully tired, you know."

Severus narrowed his eyes and walked over to the table where he'd set the goblet. With a flick of his wrist, a platter of food appeared on the desk next to the simmering goblet.

"This will need to cool for the next half hour, so I suggest you eat. Your food should be settled in your stomach before you drink it anyway."

Remus glanced nervously at the food and shook his head.

"Really Severus, I'm not hungry and I-"

"Lupin, don't be difficult," Severus ordered sternly. His dark eyes felt like they were burning into Remus, so he didn't bother to protest.

Remus glanced at the food then back at Severus. He really didn't want to eat it, but how could he get around it.

"Severus, please…"

Severus studied him for a moment before settling himself into a chair at the table. His long elegant legs stretched out under him and Severus ran his slender fingers through his hair. He motioned Remus over and the blond complied. He watched as Severus reached into his robes and pulled out a small, slender white thing. Remus watched him as the other man light it like a cigarette and handed it to him.

"What is it?" Remus asked cautiously, looking at it with interest. It smelled vaguely of sausage and something else he couldn't identify.

"Just herbs," Severus assured him. His face was completely straight from years of practice in lying.

Because Remus trusted him, he took a long drag. The substance burned his throat and made his eyes water furiously. He coughed once and handed it back to Severus who also took a hit. The long haired man held his breath for a few seconds before letting his breath out. He rolled his shoulders and handed it back to Remus.

After a few more drags, Remus started to feel peculiar. When he closed his eyes, the world felt like it was spinning and he felt a little dizzy. When he looked at Severus, his features seemed more defined somehow. And the light from the fire was unusually bright. His eyes watered as he took another hit. Somehow, it felt like he was becoming very very light. He blinked and looked at the food.

He was hungry, no denying that. Cautiously, he picked up a fork and took a little bit. Severus was watching him as he did so, an almost satisfied look on his face. Before Remus knew it, all the food was gone and he was still hungry. Puzzled by this, he looked at the now empty plate. It had been a large one, filled to the brim with food. Why hadn't it filled him?

He looked up as Severus handed him the goblet which was now pleasantly Luke warm. He drank it in one gulp. The sensation was almost pleasant this time. For some reason, he didn't even taste is. He tried to open his mouth and found that he couldn't. For some reason, it seemed like the top half of his jaw was detached from the bottom. He couldn't get them to align properly. Why was his mouth so far away from the rest of his body?

He blinked up at Severus who'd once again risen to his feet. The thin man took him by the arm and led him over to his bed. Carefully, he helped him to lie down. Remus felt like he was going to throw up because of whatever it was that Severus gave him along with the food. He lay passively as Severus brushed his hair aside and kissed his forehead.

For a fleeting moment, Remus wondered if Severus would skip his class to stay with him, just to make sure he was alright. But of course, Severus had no intention of staying with his lycan lover. He merely kissed his mouth roughly, demanding submission. Remus gave it to him without a struggle. For some reason, he didn't even bother to try and make Severus give him control, just this once. Of course even when he did try, Severus never gave it to him. After a few moments of angry kisses and touching, Severus pulled away. He stood up and turned his back on Remus.

Severus did have the decency to glance back at him and make sure he wasn't hurt by the gesture. But Remus had had his fair share of practice lying, so Severus didn't suspect that his smile was a forced one. Severus yawned and looked down at the blond. He pulled the covers over his lover, making sure he would be warm enough. Then he turned to go. Picking up the goblet, he walked out without another word.

Remus lay there for what seemed like forever before standing back up. He couldn't sleep because every time he closed his eyes it felt like he was spinning. Unsteadily, he walked to his bathroom and kneeled before the toilet. It wasn't hard to throw up, considering he was feeling ill anyway. Once his stomach was empty, he crawled back into his bed. His head was throbbing and little lights kept dancing in front of his face.

Growling with frustration, Remus buried his face under his comforter and closed his eyes again. Imminently, he regretted it. But the feeling of nausea was no match for the sudden feeling of exhaustion that overcame him. In a matter of minutes, he was sleeping soundly while the herbs floated around his system, rewiring his brain as they did so.

A/N: Sorry this chapter was short, but I'm sort of itching to get to a later chapter. Yes, Severus gave Remus pot. Believe me, when you smoke that, you get very very hungry. That's why he did it, btw. It wasn't just to be a jerk and get Lupin high. He actually had a semi-nice reason for doing it. Anyway, Remus is going to start experiencing some problems in the upcoming chapters because when he vomited up his food, he also vomited up the potion. Oh, plot twists.

Thanks for reading.

Khavi


	5. part 5

Food For Thought

Part 5

For some reason the day of the full moon, Remus was feeling odd. He made it through his first couple of classes fine. But then around four o'clock, he felt ill. That was strange, considering he usually made it to 6 at least. Thinking he simply had a head-cold, he decided to wait it out. Despite Severus' protests, Remus continued to teach his last couple of classes.

Unfortunately, the aging man was not able to make it past 5:30. He even had to excuse himself from his classroom so he could be sick away from all the explosions and ruckus of his class. Although he was wary of leaving a class of 7th year Gryffindors to their own devices, he simply could not stay.

Remus had to place a hand of the wall to steady himself as he walked. His knees felt unusually weak. It was like they had suddenly become hollow and could not hold his weight. Coughing violently and wheezing a little, he finally collapsed to the floor. He spit up a bit of stomach acid before passing out. A few minutes later, one of his concerned students wandered out of the class trying to find him. Her long red hair flowed behind her as she searched. She just happened to turn the right corner to find her unconscious teacher lying motionless on the floor. Horrified by what she saw, she ran back to get help.

The blonde ended up being carried to the Hospital ward by another of his students. A few of them waiting there with him until Severus breezed in and forced them out. Severus then kneeled by his loved and opened the cork to a bottle. He pressed it to Remus' lips and forced it into his mouth. Not wanting him to choke, Severus massaged his throat until he swallowed a little of the potion. Feeling a little more relaxed now that Remus had some of his potion, Severus sat down next to him.

After a few hours of just pacing and waiting, Severus went to close the blinds. It was getting darker and darker by the minute, and the moon was beginning to irritate him. He knew the change would happen to Remus at any moment. He watched and waited, looking for any signs of change in his lover. As expected, they came on fast.

Remus started to convulse, his eyes dating back and forth. He clawed at his pillows, fur springing up all over his arms and face. Severus put a hand on his head, hoping to sooth him while it happened. Although the sight revolted him, Severus did not move away from Remus. Now was the time when he needed him most. Once he was fully a wolf, his eyes shot open. He stared at Severus, who stared back. The gold tint in his eyes startled the other man. Usually, his eyes at least stayed the same amber color they'd always been. Today, they were different.

Severus froze, eyes locked with the wolfs. His insides curdled as a deep throaty growl escaped from Lupin's mouth. Severus tried to slowly withdraw his hand so not to agitate his lycan lover. Unfortunately, as he did so, the large brown animal stirred. It snarled at him, fur beginning to stand on end.

It was the first time since 6th year that Severus was afraid of Remus. Moving as slowly as he could, Severus rose to his feet. He had to get away from Remus as soon as possible. It was obvious that the potion was not taking effect on him. Severus wondered briefly if he hadn't done it right… As Severus tried to move away, he saw Remus rise from his lying position. He hunched over, mouth contorted in a growl.

Severus looked at those teeth and felt sick.

"Remus…" he murmured. The wolf snapped it's jaws at him, eyes blazing.

Severus reached for his wand, hoping to stun his lover before things got out of control. He was not nearly fast enough. Remus sprung at him, mouth open. Shocked, all Severus could do was wince away. That of course, did nothing. The wolf was on top of him within seconds, jaws snapping at his throat. Severus growled and pushed up against him, trying to force him off.

It was useless. The wolf was large, at least 120 pounds. It's jaws had the power to crush bones, and with that power, the animal bit into Severus shoulder. The man cried out in pain. 'Oh…oh shit!' he thought. He'd been _bitten_.

Still struggling despite the pain, Severus grabbed the wolf by the mouth and tossed it's head aside. Remus was thrown for a moment while Severus struggled to crawl away. Remus shook his head and went to the long haired man again. This time, he got him by the ankle and dragged him across the floor.

Severus gasped as he felt a tendon tear and his bones snap. Oh Merlin. Was he going to die? Was Remus going to kill him?

"Remus! Let go!" he cried. To his surprise, Remus actually paused and released him for a second. It was all Severus needed to get his wand out. He flipped over to his back and pointed the weapon at Remus.

"Stupify!" he shouted, voice sounding horse.

The wolf went stiff, blood still staining his mouth. Severus breathed a sigh of relief and managed to crawl away. He pushed the door open and managed to get out. Once he was out, he closed it and locked it firmly. Severus looked around for something to help him stand.

He grasped a table and hoisted himself to his feet. He managed to stumble out and into the hall. He didn't get much further before shock from blood loss set in and he blacked out.

When Remus awoke the next morning, he was confused. The room was torn apart and there was blood spattered on the floor. Afraid that it wasn't his own blood, he licked his lips. There was blood there, and between his teeth. Quickly, he checked himself over for any signs of injury. There was nothing. Terrified by what he might have done or who he might have hurt, Remus went for the door. He tugged on the handle, but it was locked.

Merlin, had he hurt someone? Was it Poppy? One of the students? He had no idea. He had to find out. He muttered a spell and pushed the door open. There was no one around, but there were blood stains on the floor.

Remus closed his eyes and concentrated on his sense of smell. He followed the smell all the way to Dumbledore's office. Cautously, he muttered "Ice cream Banana Split" and waited for the door to open. It slowly did and he ran up the stairs. When he got to the office doors, he pushed them open.

Albus was seated at his desk, head bowed.

"Albus!"

"Oh, Remus." He said, raising his head. "I was not expecting you to wake so soon." He looked at Remus and motioned to his mouth. Remus wiped his mouth, embarrassed. He saw blood on the back of his hand and quickly wiped it on his pant leg.

Albus seemed to be studying him.

"Who….did I? Did I kill anyone?" He asked.

To his relief, Albus shook his head.

"It seems there was a problem with the wolfsbane potion. It didn't have it's usual effect and…"

Remus swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat as Albus continued.

"Severus has been sent to St. Mungo's."

"What? Severus…what did I…?"

"You torn a muscle in his shoulder and broke his ankle. It's nothing too serious, but he has been infected."

Remus felt his stomach turn over. "What?"

"Severus was infected, and unfortunately, we did not arrive in time for him to be vaccinated."

Remus nodded, not being able to find any words. Finally, he rose from his chair. "I understand. I shall pack my things and be gone before noon…"

"What are you going on about?" Albus asked, tilting his head.

"I expect you'll want me to resign. After all, I'm a danger and-"

"Hush now. I'll hear no more of this,. You will, of course, be staying. And I expect that you're worried about Severus and would like to see him. Or am I mistaken?"

"N-no sir. I just-"

"Go on. I shall inform them you are coming."

"Thank you, Albus," he muttered, turning to leave. He breathed a deep sigh, and walked out.

A/N: I actually had a lot of fun writing this chapter. But the weirdest thing happened to me while I was typing it. My nose felt very wet, so I touched it and looked down. There was blood freaking everywhere. My stupid house is so dry that I got a nose bleed. I haven't had a nose bleed since I was a little kid. It was the strangest thing, and it was awful. I was latterly dripping blood from my nose onto my hand as I rushed downstairs to get a wet towel. I can't believe all that blood can come from your freaking nose. It was a lot and I can still taste it in my throat.

Thanks for reading!

Khavi


	6. conclusion

Food for Thought

Part 5

Remus' Letter to Severus

Dearest Severus,

Every day I light a cigarette to your name. All the others are smoked in vengeance. I want to kill myself because of what I did to you. I regret it every day. The months have passed and I've spent them alone. I resigned and am now living alone.

I can still picture the hospital. You were in the intensive care unit. I was confused because Albus had told me it was nothing serious. Minor wounds that had already been healed. The nurse sat me down and tried to explain it to me a gently as she could. You were Lycaprosy intolerant. No matter how many times they flushed your blood, my own clung to you. Killing you.

I can still picture the last time I saw you. You were lying on a bed, eyes closed. You looked so pale and delicate, like a flower that was wilting away. I wanted to hold you, to kiss you, to apologize to you. But they kept me from you. They said I was a danger to you.

When you died, I was shocked. I knew it was coming but I still couldn't accept it. I loved you. I still do. I want to be with you again, and I will.

I still weigh myself every day.

140

133

127

115

106

100

93

I don't eat at all now. Everything that goes into my mouth is vomited right back up. I smoke two packs a day, as well. I can see all my bones, clearly defined like yours used to be. I haven't really been taking very good care of myself. My hair is a lot longer, and my nails are brittle and chipped. I'm afraid, baby. I miss you so much.

87

82

75

72

70

66

62

Look baby. Now I'm finally lighter than air. I'll be seeing you soon, I promise.

Yours always,

Remus J Lupin


End file.
